Emotional Detachment & Dating

“Dating” today is ridiculous and scary. No wonder people stay in bad relationships. It’s comfortable. It’s easy. They tell themselves…Yeah I’m not happy, but it’s better than dating. TRUTH!!! I’ve been in the dating world for the past 4 years. And dating isn’t what it used to be. It can be very discouraging and disappointing.

When I was allowed to date at 17-18. “Dating” meant becoming someone’s girlfriend. Friends would play match maker to get you to date someone. So I did that….Then when I was in my 20s I dated again. At that time my family played match makers. I was taken on dates then asked to be a girlfriend. At that age, after you’re a girlfriend for a while, you  moved in together. So I did that twice…The last time I was like 29. So, at that age you get married!! Right??? and then live happily ever after…SIKE!! Now I’m single….And dating today is just not like that.

I’ve met men at work, bars, clubs, dating sites…They have typically all been the same. Wanting one thing…Their cake and to eat it too…with a side of all their other favorite stuff!! There have been a few exceptions. Yes, there are good men out there. BUT…What has happened to real “dating???” Does it even exist? Today they will immediately ask you to come to their home. Or take you out once to make you think it’s going to continue…but then it doesn’t.

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I have friends who are so frightened to date that they just don’t. They continue to go back to past loves that have broken their hearts just to avoid the “dating mess.” Then they continuously get hurt because they go back to what hurt them. People stay in passionless relationships just to have someone close to them. It’s soooooo SAD!! We all deserve PASSION!! We all deserve to find strong CONNECTIONS!! But does it exist? I think it does, but in this world it’s hard to find.

Today, there are so many different options. Men and women change their minds constantly. Always looking for something better…or just looking for something and not knowing what…or they’re just getting out of relationships and not ready for something serious, but wanting something for now. Because of this I have learned to detach myself from any emotions related to the person I choose to be with. Before I learned this technique I was crying and hurt ALL THE TIME!!! It totally sucked. But I’m extremely passionate with anything or anyone I can find a strong connection with. This is my downfall, because it comes with A LOT of pain. So, I will continue to do this until I meet a man who can compliment my life.

What does it mean to detach?? I try not to allow anyone’s actions to affect me directly in a negative way. If they don’t want to talk to me, If they don’t want to spend time with me, If they don’t want to invite me out, If they don’t want to message me during the day telling me they are thinking about me, If they don’t want to be intimate with me, If they don’t want to put effort into me…I try to brush it off. I tell myself it has nothing to do with me. Most of the time it doesn’t…they just don’t know what they want…and most of the time neither do I.

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I would normally get all in my FEELS any time this happened…and get sad and ask, what I did wrong. But honestly I usually don’t do anything to deserve the above behaviors. Nobody ever does. BUT, YES IT HAPPENS!!!  I taught myself to recognize the behavior and choose to do the opposite. I taught myself to try not to give them all my emotional passionate energy, which is hard to do…the more I give the harder it is to do this. But I deserve the BEST…so…They don’t want to talk to me…ok…someone else does. They don’t want to spend time with me…ok…someone else does….

Why should I allow their actions to hurt me?? It doesn’t make sense. I might give them myself, and show them I enjoy them, and want to be with them…But if they don’t reciprocate…I can’t allow myself to feel pain due to their actions.  If a man wants you…he will call, he will take you out, he will spend time with you…he will make it known to all. If he doesn’t then he obviously doesn’t want you. Why be sad because he doesn’t want you? Men if a women wants you we will respond every time you reach out to us. And we will keep coming back. We are simple. Even a completely closed off women will eventually respond if they are interested in a man. We were born with fairy tale mentality…we secretly want the happily ever after.

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I know it seems cold to detach. But if you’re with someone who doesn’t know how to communicate, and isn’t responsive to your communication….Why allow them to take control of your emotions or actions? You’re stronger than that. You’re in control of YOU. Detaching is not easy. Especially if you are a person who loves and feels with all of your soul. It took me many years to master this. And honestly, I still struggle with it. I literally have to talk to myself to bring myself back to reality. The reality is usually that they just aren’t the right person for me, and its time to move on.

It takes work, but it can be done. And yes it can be undone when you meet a man who actually wants your time, affection, and compliments your life. Want to learn how to detach in a healthy way to protect your heart?? Or have you had your heart broken and need to heal? Book an appointment and the Counselors at Positive Soul Holistic Therapy can guide you. 210-858-6127.

Trauma & the Effects on the Brain

Have you ever experienced a traumatic event in your life that literally created a completely different person under your skin??? Or have you ever known someone who went through a traumatic experience?? They are never the same. The person changes. They do things differently, say things differently, react differently, feel differently, speak differently, walk differently, love differently, EVERYTHING about them is different!

Why is that you ask??? Well for many reasons. First of all, can you imagine the worst experience ever?? For some it’s a form of abuse, change, war, death, or loss of some sort. For me it was witnessing and embracing my brother’s dead body in my home. Trauma comes in many forms. It can be extreme and it can be minor. It can stick with you forever or it can stay for a while and leave. For some, it changes them completely. For others, they may change small things in life.

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I never asked my Doctor or therapist what my diagnosis was, but most likely with my symptoms and changes it was either PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, or an Adjustment Disorder of some sort. I had panic attacks, flash backs daily, I was a zombie, a robot…Did what I needed to, but that’s it. Pushed people away, drank heavily every day. I avoided going home the same way I went home that day, Because I would experience it again every time. I didn’t go through the front door of my mom’s house, because I would see him laying there every time. I isolated myself from my family. I had sleep problems, sleep paralysis, nightmares, I would wake up screaming or crying, I would feel extreme pain all over my body, I was self-destructive in the worst way. I didn’t want to live….I knew my old self had died and was buried with him on that day.

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Trauma affects a person deep inside their heart, soul, and brain. One thing people who experience trauma have in common is what happens to their brain. The amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex get altered during traumatic experiences, and rarely return to the same functioning before the trauma occurred.

The amygdala is responsible for our FEAR response center. Hippocampus manages our response to EMOTIONS and helps us manage difficult thoughts and emotions and respond appropriately. The Prefrontal cortex is the THINKING center and responsible for rational thought, problem solving, empathy, and awareness. These are very important parts of our brain that help us function appropriately and acceptably.

For a person who has experienced a traumatic event the Thinking center is under-activated, the Emotional regulation center is under-activated, and the Fear center is over-activated at all times due to that one traumatic experience. Because of this the chemicals of your brain get thrown off causing a permanent chemical imbalance. Not only do the chemicals get all mixed up, but you are unable to focus, unable to function, unable to make decisions, have trouble distinguishing between right and wrong, and can’t control your emotions or actions.

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So imagine being a person who has experienced trauma. They must heal from the event, and learn about their new self. They have to be introduced to the new person they have become, but how does one do that if they don’t even know that they have changed??

Many have no clue anything is wrong because of the damage to the brain caused by the trauma. If someone experiences trauma and doesn’t have a support system what happens?? Many get lost and end up sabotaging everything in their life. They never recover. If they do have a support system…someone will come along and force them to get help or make changes.

If you know someone who has been acting or doing things differently talk to them, support them, listen to them, help them. Don’t back down until they are seeking help from a skilled Counselor. You could be the one who helps them realize something is wrong or different with them. It was my sister who came to me one day with anger towards me, because she didn’t understand what was going on with me. She was the one that helped me get back on track. I was able to learn about the new me. Which allowed me to create an even more confident, outgoing, motivated version of my old self. I will forever be grateful for her. Who knows what I would’ve become without support.

If you need help or know someone who is in need of help. Call us today. Our Counselors can help you discover the new person you have become, and help you process the trauma. We can guide you to living a fulfilling, productive life. Don’t allow the trauma to define you. Learn and grow from it…life is too beautiful to spend it living as a robot.

Positive Soul Holistic Therapy

210-858-6127

Is a Balanced Life Possible?

Daily I run into someone talking about balance in one way or another. Sometimes it’s negative sometimes it’s positive. I hear it from friends, random people, and clients. I’m no Guru when it comes to this topic, but I’ve been successful at having people understand, learn what it’s about, and how to reach it.

People strive to find balance in their lives, but struggle with it. They hear that when you’re balanced you’ll be happy…when you’re balanced good things start happening…but, How does one find balance? What is balance?

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Balance: noun
  1. a state of equilibrium or equipoise; equal distribution of weight, amount, etc.
  2. something used to produce equilibrium; counterpoise.
  3. mental steadiness or emotional stability; habit of calm behavior, judgment, etc.

For one to achieve balance in life they must be in a healthy place mentally, physically, and emotionally. Is anyone ever capable of being healthy in all these areas at once??? The answer is YES!! Everyone’s perception of healthy is different. What’s important in finding a healthy balance is to feel good in all these aspects of life. Does it have to be perfect? NO! If it were PERFECT you wouldn’t be balanced. Perfection doesn’t exist.

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Mental Balance: It all begins here! Our thoughts can make us or break us. What are you thinking about? What are you telling yourself on a daily basis? Is it rational and real? Or are you making things up? Are you creating unrealistic expectations? When you THINK negatively…you FEEL negatively…you BEHAVE negatively. This will throw off your entire equilibrium and balance isn’t possible. The key here is to evaluate your thoughts.

Physical Balance: Now if you can’t find mental balance you may struggle in finding physical balance. If your thoughts aren’t positive you will lack motivation, desire, and energy. Without motivation and energy it’s difficult to take care of your body. In order to find physical balance you must move your body and take care of your body. What are you putting into your body? Water? Alcohol? Junk food? Healthy food? What is your body doing? Moving? Staying still? When your body is healthy you feel good about yourself and have a higher self confidence.

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Emotional Balance: hmmm this one is difficult…think about it…not all emotions are positive. So to reach emotional balance must all our emotions be positive??? NO!! That’s impossible we are HUMAN!! We experience every emotion. Happiness, sadness, nervousness, fear, worry. In fact we probably experience about every single emotion in existence daily depending on what’s going on in life. To find emotional balance you must be aware. Be aware of every emotion you feel and understand why you feel it…know where it comes from…you must be able to experience, process, and move on. Don’t allow yourself to get stuck in any emotion, especially if you don’t like the way it feels.

Have I experienced Chaos?? YES!! When I’m in a chaotic state my life is turned upside down. I can’t think, act, or make decisions. I don’t care about myself or my appearance. I gain TONS of weight, eat like a bottomless pit, drink excessively. I isolate myself, overthink, become depressed. Unproductive, and Unmotivated..is just not a good look on me!!

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Have I experienced Balance? YES!!  When I’m balanced I don’t allow things I can’t control to effect me, I talk to myself a lot(which totally helps), I take care of myself by working out, eating right, drinking water, limiting all the bad stuff I put into my body(I don’t give it up, but it’s limited), I allow myself to be aware of my thoughts and emotions and how they are linked to my behavior.

If I feel a negative emotion I call it out and ask myself Why are you feeling this way?? Is it worth the overthinking? Why are you causing yourself pain?? It this really necessary? Can I do anything about whatever caused the emotion? Can I change it? I remind myself “Jeanette you can’t change people or make people do things or expect that people know things!” That’s just ridiculous!! You’re not that powerful!! You’re just a counselor, a person…so why allow the thought that’s causing my unpleasant emotion to take control over my entire being???

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So is balance possible?? YES it is! You just have to find the right fit for you. What’s right for me may not be right for you. Balance is achieved by trial and error. Where do you start?? Call Positive Soul Holistic Therapy we can guide you in your journey to a balanced positive life. You are capable of anything as long as you want it, and believe it. Set the goal and work towards it.

 

Vampires can suck you dry…

Ever just feel betrayed….you trust someone with very personal information because you believe them to be genuine. You see goodness behind their pain, so you share, you allow a connection to form, and attempt to build a relationship of some kind whether it be mentor, friendship, or more…I tend to feel this way often. Each time I tell myself…Why do u do that? Why do you trust so easily? Not all people should be trusted with your personal information…the stuff that makes you real. 

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These people I’m describing they are vampires! They target empathetic open people and suck out their life, their energy, their time because they know they can. They want to feel something…so they take your story, your pain, your energy to make themselves feel better. They get energized and feel powerful and confident….Then they move on, they forget about you, they decide you aren’t needed anymore…they sucked out what they wanted and now you’re no good to them.

Have you ever encountered a vampire??? They are charming, they are nice, they are good-looking, beautiful, they share information too, but not too much only enough to get what they need from you. They come in all shapes and forms….and leave you feeling empty and wondering what you did wrong. 

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How do you overcome a vampire?? Your gut might be to put up a wall and never let another in ever again, but what’s the fun in that?? What’s life without a little pain? We must go through the pain to grow, we must experience loss to appreciate the present. So, instead of blocking people out of your life and isolating yourself do the opposite. Embrace others as you do naturally, but don’t over share, don’t give too much before you know if they are worthy. Don’t allow yourself to get sucked dry, be selective. 

That’s your personal private information…you allowed yourself to be vulnerable to help or encourage another….to build a relationship, to create a connection…so why are you beating yourself up over a vampire??? You gave to that person with nothing but good intentions and pure heart! They are the ones that took advantage of you. They are the ones with fear of personal connections. They are the ones that should suffer, not you….but they never will suffer. Because they don’t see life as you do, and they never will. No need to try to explain it to them, because they don’t care about you. Take the lesson and move on.

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You will never reach a Vampire…it’s not your responsibility to teach them or make them understand…Ever heard of Karma??? I’m a true believer in the transfer of energy among all living things on earth. If you give with good intentions you will be rewarded. But you’re feeling pain…so…how is that a reward you ask??? Well like I said earlier sometimes it’s necessary to experience pain to experience the good in life. Give and experience life to the fullest, and let Karma take care of the rest. I always hope that Karma will be gentle and teach them rather than cause pain. But we are the creation of our own destiny. 

Keep giving don’t block yourself off…by blocking your flow of energy you aren’t allowing goodness to come into your life. Be open, be proud, and accepting of the person you are. No need to prove your worth to anybody, because you are worth more then that. Don’t allow the behaviors of a negative person or a vampire to interfere with the positive energy coming towards you. Free your mind of negativity, learn from the encounter, process it, and continue living and giving. 

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Am I Un-Date-Able???

Why is it that we are genetically programmed to need others? This literally causes depression, loneliness, sadness, anxiety, hopelessness…This thought we have is the source of so much pain. I was sitting alone on my couch tonight watching love stories and thinking to myself…Awww that’s sooo beautiful…tears in the eyes…then shaking my head telling myself…STOP IT!! That’s not real!!! DON’T BE THAT GIRL!!! You’re a professional you know BETTER!!!

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Truth is I’m human…TOTALLY not perfect! I’m single…I’m a strong, independent women…I love myself. Do you ever have that moment when you’re completely happy with life…but you crave the attention, affection, or the touch of someone you’re attracted to? But is it that I want a relationship? Or is it that I want someone to be next to me?

I’ve had my experiences with relationships and they never really worked out for me. Men tend to try to control me with words or actions will reject me or make me feel bad to gain the power in the relationship…I’m aware that not all men are like that, but for some reason I experience that quite frequently. I’m like a magnet for insecure or confused men. Or is it that I’m confused and insecure??? I’ve been told you attract what you give out…

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I’ve attempted to form male friendships to see if that works any better the “relationships”…maybe we can be on an equal playing ground? Maybe if I make it clear that I only want them as a friend they won’t get weird??? I’ve developed some friendships, but they aren’t consistent with wanting to connect me because they aren’t on my same page. Their mind-set is somewhere else…either what if there’s someone better, I wonder if that hot girl will have sex with me, or she’s going to kill my game I can’t be around her…

I just want someone to talk to me sometimes, touch me and be close to me sometimes, travel with sometimes, go out to new places sometimes…because honestly I’m really good at doing all these things by myself, but sometimes it would be nice to have someone I like that’s the opposite sex around. Is that TOO MUCH to ask for? Am I being TOO PICKY?? Am I self Sabotaging???

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Who’s knows…but that leaves me stuck in a dilemma. Men don’t want to date me or be my friend???  Do they not find me attractive? Am I not making myself available? Or is it that I intimidate them? Am I unapproachable? Am I not fun to be around? Am I boring?? I have no clue…but what’s a woman to do in this situation?? This is what I’ve come up with.

First of all it has nothing to do with you:They don’t want to be around you because of an insecurity that they have. Or maybe they just aren’t into you?? I just remind myself that if they wanted to be with me, they would be with me, and they aren’t…so oh well…time to move on.

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Put yourself out there:Join a dating site, go out and meet new people, talk to people you don’t know. Form connections and build relationships. How do you expect to meet someone if you’re at home doing nothing and talking to your cat??

Be patient:Things will come along when they are supposed to. Until then get busy getting to know yourself, mentally, physically, emotionally. Try not to fill your loneliness with the company of someone who doesn’t care about you. Call a good friend instead of calling that butthead that is never there for you and has made you cry.  All that does is put a band-aid on your wound while the emotions cut it even deeper.

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So what do I do in the mean time??? Stay busy, set some life goals! Don’t over think every little thing! Masturbate and touch yourself! Workout!!! Put yourself in the good company of POSITIVE people! Seek out a Counselor so you can learn more about yourself.

I had a client tell me the other day that they want to change themselves and understand themselves, so they will start attracting the right people!!! YES! That’s what it’s about change and positive thought. Things will start happening in your life when you least expect it…Karma, energy, and the stars must fall inline. You are NOT Un-DATE-Able!!

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Who’s Viewed My Story??

We all have social media. Social media is how our world communicates. Today I was on snap chat and a good friend of mine made a comment on snap chat that sparked my thoughts. He said in so many words thank you to all my 3hundred blah blah blah followers for viewing my bologna sandwich. This comment got my brain ticking. WOW do you even know those 3hundred whatever people? His answer was of course NO…

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I can recall a time in my life where I depended on social media for my entertainment and to feel good about myself. I would literally check it all the time to see who viewed my posts, who liked my posts…then I would have a reaction to it. I would feel good or feel disappointed based on who or the number of views. As I reflect now I can see how bad of a place I was in at the time….BUT

Why do we allow social media to dictate our emotions. I know I’m not the only one who has experienced this. The feelings of sadness or loneliness based on a message or a view or lack there of…It sounds ridiculous but it’s true…It happens everyday. When you open snap chat, instagram, twitter, or facebook you know you get a smile if you see others are interested in your posts. You might even get more excited or happy when someone messages you about your posts or makes a positive comment.

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However, most people on social media don’t know half of the people they have as “Friends.” So why do we care? Why do we allow complete strangers to control our emotions? Crazy when you start to really think about it…We have become a society that is completely controlled by social media the views and likes provided by complete strangers…It will boost our confidence or put someone in a really dark place.

I’m pretty sure there are some people reading this saying…that’s not me, I don’t do that…oh really then why do you post on social media??? Why do you check who’s viewed your story? Yup that’s right…anyone who has social media has allowed a complete stranger, or someone they know to control their emotions in one way or another.

So how do you gain control of your emotions, and still use social media without it destroying you or your relationships??? Well, honestly some don’t want to and there’s nothing wrong with that. But if you’re anything like me and rather be in control of your own emotions and be mentally healthy….

First thing to do is to go through your social media and delete anyone you don’t know or have not had a connection with at some point in your lifetime.

Next thing reality check…NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU!!! Just because people view your story doesn’t mean they care!!! The reason they looked is most likely because they were bored, or they are stalking you…Unless they are your true friends or family who just want to keep up with your life.

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So then why are you posting so much? You want the attention? or to be entertained by comments? Just think about it and make a choice….to post or not to post…Do I need fake validation from people who don’t even personally know me??

Personally I have changed the way I use social media. Yes I used to post provocative pictures and videos of myself for the attention, but now I ask myself do I really want the attention of people who honestly DON’T GIVE A DAMN about me?? UMMMM NO I don’t!!!

I did what I suggested above. Do I have fewer people entertaining me?? YES…but honestly I’m in a much healthier place in my life, and I don’t want or need people in my life that don’t care about me. My main goal with social media these days are to connect with family, to get ideas for blog posts, or to grow my business.

I just ask you to think about why you’re on social media? What is it doing for your life? If it leaves you feeling empty or with some sort of emotional reaction…Then reevaluate why you have it, and who you allow into your life through viewing it. Just something to think about…

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Dealing with Anxiety…

When I was 6 years old, I decided to go to church on a beautiful sunny morning. As I made my way down the avenue which led to the church, I was approached by a pack of dogs. The dogs had a field day on my 6 year old body, I was rescued by an older lady who happened to be passing by on her way to church as well. Under the circumstances, I continued my journey to church accompanied by this wonderful person. We sat in the front row, I could hear people talking and felt them pointing at me, you see, I was bleeding and my clothes were torn and shredded.

Years later, in my 40s, as my wife and I were taking our afternoon walk, we were approached by a medium size dog. The dog was friendly and did not bark at us at all. However, I started to shake and hid behind my wife and started having a full panic attack. My body was shaking, I could not move and felt extremely scared that the dog was going to attack me. My wife looked at me and said, “ What is wrong with you? You are shaking. This is a friendly dog.”

Was it normal to feel nervous or anxious at the approaching dog or is this an anxiety disorder I need to work on?

There are instances where it is natural to feel nervous or anxious. People may experience anxiety in different ways. In this case, one my imply that phobias of certain objects and situations may lead to panic attacks. However, other forms of anxiety which may include social anxiety may bring only a mild discomfort.

The distinction between an anxiety disorder and just having normal anxiety is whether your thought are controlling your emotions causing a lot suffering and dysfunction. Are you staying up all night worrying about things you can not control? Do you fear that something is going to happen and as a result you are going to get hurt? In the case above, I felt the dog was going to attack me, when in reality, the dog just wanted to be friendly.

A form of anxiety call GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) is define as worrying excessively or constantly worrying. You may worry about your body image thinking that others are making fun of how you look. Parents may worry about their adolescent children thinking something is going to happen to them every time they go out, thus becoming over-protective parents.

There are times when anxiety completely takes over your mind. This is when you start thinking about one thing after another from the time you wake up, until you go to sleep. Sometimes, the thoughts may wake you up in the middle of the night keeping you from sleeping. One explanation is that part of your brain is thinking constantly, nonstop. Such thinking may include irrational judgments – ‘No one will ever love me’ ‘exaggerating difficulties like blowing things out of proportion’, and placing rigid, unrealistic demands on oneself and others.

This sort of negative language could lead to depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation, among other problems. If you are experiencing anxiety or any other form of mental health issues, get help soon.

In conclusion, I would like you to know that this week, my wife and I were taking our evening walk. I had gone ahead of my wife and had already cross the street when I was approached by 2 Labradors being walked by their owner. This time, I merely looked at the dogs and stated to the owner, “such beautiful dogs”, the owner replied, “thank you” and we went on our way.

Regardless of severity of the anxiety you experience, there are resources that help you deal with the emotional expects of anxiety. Call us at Positive Soul Holistic Therapy at 210-858-6127 for a free consultation .

Written by Juan F. Lira LPC-S

It’s okay to be selfish…

in fact, it is critical to our wellbeing. If you are that selfless person that puts others before yourself, I commend you, but I would like to ask if it ever leaves you feeling underappreciated or bitter that others take you for granted? If you answered yes, perhaps you subscribe to the idea selfishness is wrong or even a sin. What if the two ideas could co-exist? Here are some thoughts to balance the two:

  • Always fill your gas tank first. If your tank is empty, you cannot give anyone else a ride.
  • Never give to others at your own expense. Helping should not create a deficit in your own life.
  • No one should matter more than you do. Loving yourself enables you to give as well as receive love.
  • Relationships should not be one-sided. That goes against the definition of relating.
  • Teach or encourage others to help themselves. If you are the fixer, ask yourself – do I get something out of being needed? Then ask, If I keep fixing problems am I helping or hindering?
  • To truly be of service to others you must first value yourself.

If it is hard to say no or doing things for yourself stirs guilt, it will take some work on your part to shift that belief system. A season of self-reflection and growth might be in order. Be as kind to yourself as you are to others and in the end, you are not selfish at all.

“You have a good heart, and you think the good thing is to be guilty and kind, but it is not always kind to be gentle and soft, there is genuine violence that softness and kindness visit on people. Sometimes self-interested is the most generous thing you can be.”
Tony Kushner, Perestroika

 

By Glynis K. Fresia MS, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Juan F. Lira MA, CSC, LPC-S

a silent painful death…

Suicide…It’s unexpected, It’s shocking, It’s unbelievable, It’s confusing, It’s…It’s….UNREAL.  When it happens to you…when someone you love takes their life…It doesn’t make sense. When you’re on the other side…when you’re the one who takes their own life, it makes perfect sense.

When you’re the one who dies…you can’t see past the pain that you’re in. You surround yourself in sadness and feel physical pain. You don’t see any way out of it…you feel as though life will never change…you’re worthless…you’ve lost your purpose in life. You feel as though the only way to get rid of the pain is to end the pain. But when you end the pain…you don’t wake up…you stay in the darkness…the pain you felt…that darkness you felt….It has now spread.

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You don’t feel that pain again…your dead. But the people who love you…the people you’ve met only once…the people that knew you…and then all the other people that know those people feel the pain….and GUESS WHAT??? That PAIN never goes away!!! They get reminded when other people choose death, or even when other people meet death on accident…on your birthday…on their birthday…holidays…special occasions…songs….smells…sounds. The pain just stays there…It never goes away.

With that being said and that being known…If you’re able to see past the bubble of sadness  and darkness would you choose something different? Knowing that your sadness and darkness will be spread 100X what you felt by people who you didn’t even get to meet in your life time…would you choose something different?

I’m human I’ve experienced self harm…thoughts of wanting to disappear…thoughts of life without me…but decisions are different amongst all of us. The choice to FIGHT and keep going despite the pain…that’s a choice that can be hard to make when you can’t see past the pain.

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If you know someone who is stuck in darkness…sadness…someone who isolates themselves…someone who has mentioned death as an option…someone who has attempted death. Even someone who seems to be struggling in any way…encourage them to seek help. Together we can make a difference, by just showing we care…by asking questions…by being there in silence…we can make a change. Let’s help each other take control of our thoughts and emotions. Find a good therapist that can help…a therapist that you can connect with.

You don’t have to be alone in your darkness. Choose to seek help…choose to keep going…you have the opportunity to continue your story…you have the ability to rewrite your story. We want to help you! Suicide hotline:  1-800-273-8255

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Solitude Vs. Loneliness

I’ve been told that in order to love and find love/happiness you must experience life completely ALONE. You must learn about yourself, you must understand your own emotions, thoughts, and behaviors without the influence of another. You must detach from the world….To experience SOLITUDE is to find an inner strength, a beauty within yourself. SOLITUDE creates confidence within an individual.

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How can one achieve SOLITUDE? Many may attempt to experience the power of SOLITUDE….but the truth is…It’s hard to accomplish. Humans crave the affection and attention of others. We have been programmed to NEED others to feel comfort and happiness. Therefore, when we place ourselves in SOLITUDE we allow our programmed thoughts to control our emotions….which creates the feeling of loneliness.

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Loneliness can destroy us if we allow it to. We create LONELINESS by telling ourselves negative things…nobody wants me, people don’t understand me, I’ll never find someone to connect with, I have no friends, people reject me, I’m unloveable….It’s easy to bring ourselves down. It’s easy to trap ourselves and experience LONELINESS…It’s easy to fear SOLITUDE…It’s easy to find someone, anyone to try to stop the feeling of LONELINESS and find comfort in another.

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Now what do we do??? Embrace the feeling of LONELINESS…find another to ease the pain we feel? Or do we…fight, and struggle for a little while in order to experience the power of SOLITUDE?? Well there is no correct answer…you are the creator of your life…you have the power to decide the type of life you want to live.

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Just remember it’s been said…in order to find true happiness you must understand yourself, you must know who you are…without the influence of another. It’s up to you to decide how long you must stay in SOLITUDE or if you rather not experience SOLITUDE. I can tell you from experience my last 3 years of SOLITUDE has been the most exhilarating, painful, educational, strength finding, confidence building 3 years of my life. I will forever be grateful for the knowledge I’ve gained…I have confidence that it’ll lead to more GREATNESS. Make a choice…If you’re in need of direction…The Counselors at Positive Soul Holistic Therapy can guide you.